It's a combination of incredible luck and fortune mixed with unbelievable trauma and misfortune. That's the best way I can describe it.

I have an overwhelming desire to please everyone around me. I want everyone to be happy and I don't wish to hurt anyone. However, I've recently come to realize that it's actually selfish in nature, because the joy I get isn't because I helped others, it's because others recognize my help for them.

I grew up an extremely wealthy child. My childhood home was located in one of the richest parts of Washington State. I attended private school from elementary through high school. College is paid for if I want to go back.

However, my parents had their own demons, and we were caught in the middle of it. Through divorce, abuse (both physical and sexual), drug addictions, lying, manipulating, multiple deaths in the family and friends, and a misguided sense of what the word "love" meant, I have become a bitter and confused person, and I'm only 23.

It seems lately the more I strive to please everyone, the more I end up hurting everyone. I've lost most of my friends. I've hurt those closest to me beyond repair. I'm a financial train wreck. I'm unhealthy. I drink constantly. I'm overly depressed and am tired constantly. I have a bleak outlook on my future.

It's an interesting feeling waking up in the morning and not knowing who I am. When I hear my voice on tape or on camera, I don't recognize it.

It's overly troubling.


So here I am. The child of rich white parents. I have everything I could ever want in life, and yet I seem to sabotage myself at every turn. I can't explain it, but it's infuriating.

Maybe that's not true. I have everything I need, just nothing I want. What I want, I can no longer have.

Walking a mile in my shoes might be easy, but walking a mile in my mind would drive you mad.