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Rank: Jimmy Hat Jester
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It's without a doubt a Maddox parody site... but funny as hell. 1. Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don't Masturbate have acne.
2. Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy the most likely cause is Chronic Masturbation.
3. Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy. Chances are he or she is in there Masturbating!
4. Does your child listen to "Rock And Roll" music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil's music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try Masturbation.
5. Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have gotten there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family Prayer Meeting and Underwear Check!
6. Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.
7. Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can't resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can't resist the peer pressure to Masturbate, either.
8. Does your child look guilty or deny Masturbating? Very few teenagers will openly admit to Masturbating!
9. Does your child use weird abbreviations when writing? The Dementia brought on by Chronic Masturbation often causes teenagers to write like this: omfg u ppl r stupid u say Masturbation causes rape and what not but all most every1 Masturbats and i bet some of the ppl u work with do to This kind of writing is only seen in cases of Advanced Masturbatory Dementia. Unfortunately, if your child writes this way it is too late to help him. He will probably have to be permanently institutionalized.
10. Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son's bedroom without knocking and he's in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he's probably Masturbating.
If your child Masturbates, there are steps you can take to stop the problem. If your child doesn't Masturbate, there are things you can do to prevent it.
1. Remove your child's bedroom door. Privacy is one of the leading causes of Masturbation.
2. Monitor your family's use of the restroom. Not only will this prevent Masturbation, it will prepare your teens for today's workplace, where corporations are stepping up their surveillance of employees' bathroom usage.
3. Kill your television. There is absolutely nothing of value on television. Everyone should be reading their Bibles or working, not watching filth like Baywatch or Star Trek.
4. Control your child's reading material. Screen everything your child brings into the house. Do not allow anything even remotely stimulating. Get up early in the morning and go through the newspaper cutting out all of the pictures in the Underwear ads. Burn them before your teenager wakes up.
5. Be sensible about the music your child listens to. There is hardly any music in existence that is really suitable, because anything with a "Rock," "Country" or "Gospel" beat to it (even if it is labeled "Christian!") is designed to incite sexual desire and summon demons from the Pit of Hell straight into your nice little Suburban home! (We have documentation on file for those of you who don't believe this.) Practically all music CDs, tapes or MP3 files in your child's possession must be destroyed, especially if they are by pornographic "Rap" artists such as Garth Brooks, Britney Spears or 'NSync. If you collaborate with your fellow Church-goers on this, the event can turn into a huge, festive Bonfire and prayer meeting!
6. Use corporal punishment. Spare the rod and spoil the child! Although outlawed by Socialists in many places, a good, sound thrashing has always been the best cure for the unruly child.
7. Buy and use commercially available Anti-Masturbation devices. You can get one for your Boys by clicking here. President Bush has made it one of the goals of his Faith-Based Initiative to fund private Christian companies to develop an effective anti-Masturbation device for Girls.
8. Understand your child's language. There are dozens of slang terms for Masturbation in use by today's teenagers. You should be familiar with them. Don't use these slang terms around your children! If you must refer to Masturbation, use the term "Self-Abuse."
9. Scientifically test your children for signs of Masturbation. The same Liberal naysayers who insist we can't build a Missile Shield scoffed until they were bleeding when I revealed that Scientists were hard at work on an aerosol spray that would reveal signs of Masturbation in your children, but it's here! CheckMate scientifically detects a protein Enzyme produced by the male Prostate Gland to reveal traces of semen on clothing, sheets, ceilings, keyboards, etc. It apparently won't detect Masturbation in girls (my Scientific consultants assure me that females have no prostate glands, although the Bible suggests otherwise), but will uncover sexual activity in your daughters by detecting traces of semen in Panties, hair, etc. For additional security, you may easily buy a $10.00 microscope from Toys R Us and a $500.00 centrifuge from Fisher Scientific that will enable you (MALE CHRISTIAN PARENTS ONLY!!!!) to examine your sons' urine for signs of the Sin of Onan. The slightest decline in a boy's Urinary Spermatozoa Count should be met with instant and total humiliation (and hospitalization if possible).
10. Make your daughters grow their fingernails as long as possible. Many Christian parents will measure their daughters' fingernails every week and pay them an allowance based on the combined length. The reason for this is that long fingernails interfere not only with female masturbation, but with Lesbian sexual activity. They will also facilitate the "sniff test" for those of you who use it to monitor your daughter's sexual activities.
11. Put boxing gloves on your children's hands at bedtime. Boxing gloves are pretty hard to take off without someone's help. If you do this you can sleep soundly, knowing that your children aren't touching themselves in an impure way.
Edit:
Actual site.
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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
Groups: Registered User, WDFNews.com Official Comic Artist, Newsie
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lol, maddox is coming to Redmond
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Rank: Frozen Penguin
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Joined: 6/29/2006
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Oh shit! I'm guilty of 1,2,3,4,5,7,8,and 9... I think I might be a Chronic Masturbater!
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Rank: Jimmy Hat Jester
Groups: {pDs} Member, Server Admin
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Location: Dani California
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SirLordPoop wrote:lol, maddox is coming to Redmond So I hear. Too bad redmond sucks.
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Rank: Fuckstick
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Location: If i knew I'd tell you
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Is there something wrong with masturbation?
Its a good way to relax MakeSureItsCharcoalGrilled wrote: "Craps Alert"
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Rank: Jimmy Hat Jester
Groups: {pDs} Member, Server Admin
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Location: Dani California
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Sir.Crapsalot wrote:
Is there something wrong with masturbation?
Its a good way to relax
I wrote: It's a Maddox parody site...
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Rank: Frozen Penguin
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Sir.Crapsalot wrote:
Is there something wrong with masturbation?
Its a good way to relax
Would you say you are firm believer in masturbation as a stress-relieving technique?
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Rank: Fuckstick
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SaccharineDreams wrote:Sir.Crapsalot wrote:
Is there something wrong with masturbation?
Its a good way to relax
Would you say you are firm believer in masturbation as a stress-relieving technique?
oh yah........it can be MakeSureItsCharcoalGrilled wrote: "Craps Alert"
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Rank: Frozen Penguin
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can be...firm? lol I need to go to bed... goodnight... AFK-47
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Rank: Fuckstick
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Sir.Crapsalot wrote:SaccharineDreams wrote:Sir.Crapsalot wrote:
Is there something wrong with masturbation?
Its a good way to relax
Would you say you are firm believer in masturbation as a stress-relieving technique?
oh yah........it can be
A new study suggests frequent masturbation by men in their 20s provides protection against prostate cancer later in life.
Scientists in Australia determined that men in their 20s who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop aggressive prostate cancer later in
The study suggests ejaculation by means of masturbation provides better protection than ejaculation in sexual intercourse because men can pick up infections from intercourse that actually increase the risk of getting prostate cancer.
The Australian team was headed by Graham Giles of The Cancer Council of Victoria in Melbourne.
The team asked 1,079 men with prostate cancer to detail their sexual habits. The responses were compared with those of 1,259 healthy men.
The team concluded that the more men between the ages of 20 and 50 masturbate, the less likely they are to develop prostate cancer. The study emphasizes that this is especially so for men in their 20s.
"The more you flush the ducts out, the less there is to hang around and damage the cells that line them," Giles said in New Scientist magazine.
"Masturbation is part of people's sexual repertoire," said Anthony Smith, deputy director of the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society at La Trobe University in Melbourne. "If these findings hold up, then it's perfectly reasonable that men should be encouraged to masturbate." I like what you guys put while I was away, but I think it was best that I changed it. 
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