Goodbye Clock:
Dungeon Keeper
Bullfrog Productions
Electronic Arts
PC (1997)

The original Dungeon Keeper was created by Peter Molyneux's team some 11 years ago, before he went into a Fable-induced hysteria. This game was the first experience I ever had with an RTS, and I still remember it to this day.


Story: The tagline for the game "Evil is good" is a general summary of the gory mayhem that the game packs. You play as the ruler (or keeper) of an underground dungeon in the peaceful, serene continent of Britannia. Hanging the corspes of malcontent trolls on your castle's lawn doesn't really fit in with the decor or something, because the local hero gets sent out to slaughter you. He makes it about 15 feet in when your minions rush him, nifty sword fight comes up that ends with Rambo getting his head lopped off messily with a sickle.


Shit hits the fan, you go to your dungeon and start preparing as the heroes (read: bravado-minded morons) try to waste you and use your head as a lawn ornament. You eventually become more then a nusciance in the eyes of the locals, and decide to move from area to area wiping out as many lords of the land as you can get your meaty, disembodied hands on.

After a few imps stumble along a portal to invite the disfigured catch of the day, you build a few treasure rooms here and a few hatcheries there and soon, you have a hulking armada. Rawr.

Of note is the then very impressive work of computer-generated cutscenes in the intro and outro, and the voiceovers in the game's level selection screen. Each level has a nice and classy poem describing all the sunshine and flowers in the area. In game, each area has a quick but dirty description of what you're going to kill and what wants to kill you.

The story is simple, but the small details and contributions that you can find pretty much everywhere make this good thing even better.


Gameplay: Dungeon Keeper doesn't stick to the "Kill Everyone Else Really Quickly" practices of most RTSes from the era, your job is more to keep your guys healthy and happy and keep your dungeon's coffers and defenses flowing. The titular dungeon is a dark, walled-in, underground pit. In the center of it is your "heart", which is really a big generator keeping your hopes (and minions) alive. The heart is surrounded by... nothing, save for a few measly imps. But hey! By left clicking into the void, you can dig your own rooms, corridors, make defensive walls, whatever floats your boat. After making the sexiest dungeon in town, you can send your servants off to mine for gold seams while you build up some rooms.

Rooms come in all shapes and sizes, from Lairs (the equivalent of a sleepover party), to hatcheries (the equivalent of KFC). Each room serves a purpose, some more useful then others. Things like the treasure depository are needed pretty much any time you have treasure, which is all the time unless you suck and go bankrupt.

There's a full list of monsters, all of which are cleverly designed and have unique physical and personality traits. Wizards and Dragons have insane long-range attack power, Warlocks are pro at reading, some are keen to running what appears to be the cotton gin making explosives, and some just straight-up kill anything moving (including friendlies) that they can find. There's one called a Mistress that enjoys getting a beatdown from an allied torture chamber for the lulz. Keep managing them all in the same manner, and eventually you're going to have a pissed off Orc gnawing on someone's legs. If something does happen, there's always a nice trip into your own prison or torture chamber and a few backhands with your disembodied, Floating Hand Of Death™. Imps are the bread-and-butter of the whole operation, though. They dig for the gold, they build the walls, they set us up the bomb, they never sleep, never eat, and they completely suck ass at combat. Imps can do anything the other creatures can't, but they aren't easy to get after a certain level and are the first to go in case of a riot on your areas.

Another key about this game is that you manage your rooms as much as you manage your creatures. Training rooms are vital in keeping your army up, but each second it's being used your gold supply plummets hard. Hatcheries take up a lot of space to be even remotely effective, but if you skip out on that then your monsters will go hungry. Do you build that bridge now or wait for the enemy to come to you? Do you imprison that enemy to steal his skeleton for future battles or  build a torture chamber and beat the loyalty out of their pathetic minds?

Long-term decisions, like any RTS, are important.

Combat is extremely simplistic, and is more of a rock-paper-scissors-dragonspam sort of deal rather then a battlefield. Most battles are fought in narrow areas, and it's a matter of who brought the most and/or biggest guns to the table. To make your guys attack, just pick them up by the necks and dump them off to where you want to see a river of red wine. Add a call to arms command and watch the fireworks. It's a matter of preparation, rather then battle tactics. Learning to prepare for fights is more important then fighting them. Adding stuff like boulder traps to crush Indiana Jones wannabees like Jello in a band saw may add an edge, but most of the time the big guys win the big battles. If you can't handle the heat, get ready to gtfo.

There is one other unique feature to Dungeon Keeper: you can cast spells over your minions to grant them new powers like super-speed or invisibility, and cast lightning strikes over opponents standing in a pond. These are nice, but they aren't too useful because they cost a hell of a lot of gold to make work. But of extreme note is the first and only free spell you get in the game. The posessor. Click on any friendly monster. Bam. You're one of them. In first-person mode. That's right, if you wanted to you could be the tall guy with the decapitation stick, and just rip apart short people all to the enemy's bank. Even if you choose not to, the fights are sickeningly hilarious and gory, and you really feel like you're doing the world a favor. Ending overpopulation.