Greetings, I just stumbled upon your craigslist advertisement and I figured I'd attempt an application!

This is my first job application, but I feel I have a lot to offer the world of marketing and advertising due to my rich background in television and production work.

A little about myself first:

I'm a Seattle native. I grew up a rich privileged child on Mercer Island, so I know I can empathize with low income families who may be interested in your products. During my time spent dating lower-class women from Rainier valley, I learned that people from all walks of life enjoy the taste of bacon. Hell, I myself am a fan of bacon. Furthermore, if I could have a salt lick around my neck and still be deemed socially acceptable I would. You've combined the two greatest tastes on earth and the result is incredible. Bacon salt to dull food is like Moses to the Jews. Using that off-colored analogy, I'd like to help take bacon salt to the next level, or, as I see it, be the Jesus to the Jews.

I have a couple ideas to take your company to the next level. I've seen your baconsalt antics before. The wrestling between the mayonnaise and the bacon was entertaining, but I feel it's been done before. I feel I've seen that on Spike TV, except the contestants were attractive. It reminded me of that Seinfeld episode where George combines his love of food with his love for sex. Unless your target audience consists of morbidly obese mud wrestlers with lazy eyes, I believe targeting a wider audience is needed.

That's why I suggest a baconsalt X-Prize. Take your product to the same level that Virgin took space travel. Offer up a cash prize for the best new way to utilize baconsalt, perhaps to better humanity or the economy. There's no reason why rich douchebags with bad haircuts should take all the glory. The way I see it, given the right level of insentive and brain power, Baconsalt can become the next revolutionary step toward a greener earth. The next "Hybrid" car, if you will. You would be seen as liberators, and not in the way America was seen as liberators during Operation Iraqi Freedom!

My other idea, right off the bat, is a campaign to combat the destructive youtube videos featuring the future of America snorting your product like cocaine. While cocaine can be a wonderful drug with colorful benefits to your health, as well as a nice coversation starter while doing it out of a hookers belly button, or having a friend shoot you up while you're unconcious, I feel that it sends the wrong message to the youth of America. The future presidents of this fine nation. I feel that, while cocaine didn't stop Bush from rising to power and allowing him to relax his bowels and take a freedom dump on the rest of the world, perhaps promoting these activities is the wrong message for Baconsalt.
It is because of this sad fact that I suggest a viral marketing campaign. I was thinking something along the lines of "don'tsnortit.com" offering PSAs that clearly states that you, as a company, do not condone this kind of extra-curricular activity. The PSAs could be humorous, though humor isn't my strongest attirbute unfortunately. They could also provide information on positive ways to utilize your wonderful product. Alternatives, if you will, to simulating what must resemble Jimi Hendrex's last moments.

In my mind, you both are revolutionaries. The Che Guavara of modern times. You know, without the Marxist revolution. You've created a product that has an incredibly broad spectrum of appeal, from stoned frat boys to that blimp Oprah. Imagine if Oprah, who is Ezell's fried chicken's biggest fan, would be seen on TV seasoning that famous chicken shipped to her specially, promoting it to all of the obese women of the world who eat up anything that woman happens to let spit out of her mouth during her bi-monthly binge fests.  I see a bright future for baconsalt, and with my help I think you'll see a bright future as well. I hope you'll consider me for the position.

With that said, here's my resume' (please note that I haven't actually written up an official resume', so if it's not formatted right, please keep that in mind):

*Resume omitted for obvious reasons

In closing, I'd like to see a candidate more qualified than me. I can't imagine there are any.

I can be reached via this email address or by phone at xxx-xxx-xxxx

tl;dr

I need to start doing this shit again. Maybe I'll start using the forums more if I do.

That's a pretty ugly mustache there, Sharpton.