I'm not used to reaching out to anyone for help with my life. This past year has been by far the hardest I have ever gone through. I've been plagued with anxiety and depression. I manage to make it through the day most of the time but some are definately harder than others.

I don't feel free anymore. I've been working full time jobs for around 4 years in different warehouses. It seems evry one of these jobs people treat me like I'm a fuckin idiot. I don't like the line of work I am in, but its what I know best. I am great with IT stuff but I have no experience in the field. I wish I could be involved in making games, like everyone else. I also want to be a writer and not work for anyone anymore.

Today I got an e-mail from one of my 3 managers:

Jason,

Please remember the note below from September.

This is a very important issue.

Whenever you go on site with our customers, You must dress in a manner that puts Sehi in a good light.

We provided you with Sehi shirts in the past. Please wear them.

Also Please do not wear hats, gloves or torn or baggy jeans around our customers.

If you show up to a customer site dressed inappropriately, you will not be allowed on the campus.

The thing is I have to deliver product to schools, but most of the time I just work in the warehouse. He sent this to all of my bosses without mentioning it to me first. I tried to talk to him about it, but he is a very condescending person and I find it difficult to get through to him.

I don't know how I am going to make it through this life sometimes. I'm afriad of going on SSRI drugs due to all the bad press they get. On the other hand it feels like my brain is working against me alot of the time. I try to hide from life in comic books and video games but I can't do that forever. I'm 25 years old and I have a great girl that wants to get married. I just can't see myself doing that when I feel like such a mess.

Some days the anxiety get me so bad I can't eat. Its like a panic attack or something. I don't have many friends anymore because I stopped doing drugs and they all seemed to fade away after that. I know I should be getting therapy and thats a future plan( my health insurace just kicked in). I am so afraid of losing my job and it really messes with me. I feel like I just get kicked around and I just have to take it. I wish I had friends to help me with all this but the combination of moving/ life changes leave me pretty empty in that aspect.

I've never really told anybody all this stuff before. Thanx for listening.

-Rumour

First off, in regards to your job situation, you control what people think.  I heard something earlier today that applies.  If you don't do what your manager says then the company does not need one of you.  I have been where you are and I have been where he is.  In order to stay employed you need to toe the company line.  If there is a particular dress code then you follow it.  Simple as that.  If what they want you to wear on deliveries is not appropriate in the warehouse then carry a change of clothes in your car.  When you get the call to delivery do a quick change then you are on your way.  Make sure your boss knows this plan and that you are willing to follow company guidelines.  To me it seems this is not your dream job but you need to work at it like it is your lifelong dream, but keep your eyes open for something else.

Second, in regards to your anxiety, etc., my mother has been battling stage 4 cancer for 2 years and winning.  Chemo has done it's job without taking too much of a toll on her.  That is until about 3 weeks ago.  We got the news that it had moved to her brain.  She has been on radiation almost daily since then.  There is a real possibility that we could lose her.  I am 41 years old but I am not ready to give her up.  Going through that is bad enough.  This week the bank I work for is laying off 200 employees in the Birmingham area.  No one is safe.  Everyday I am waiting to here the word that I am unemployed.  That may not happen but it is a possibility.  I know what you are going through.  It is like a kick to the testicles and a forearm to the back, but I will get back up, as you will.   You just have to be determined that this is not bigger than you.  Personally I know that I am not in control of my life.  God is bigger than any thing I am faced with.  I trust Him.  Does it hurt like crap?  You of all people know it does.  I also try to hide in my gaming but with a wife and 2 kids that is difficult.  Realize this that life is fluid.  The rut you are in today will not be there tomorrow.  Your outlook will get better.  Your job situation will get better.  The economy will get better.  If we have learned nothing else from Kung Fu  we learned "Patience, grasshopper".