So yeah. First!



Good movie. Awesome soundtrack. Favorite song.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. It must be therapeutic to share stuff with a bunch of people that you know, but can't really directly affect you. Sort of how the animosity of the internet brings out the inner douchebag of many people while playing Halo on xbox live.

Onward! So. I've had this friend for about 14 years. Longer if you count the time we spent in preschool. She's been my friend for just about forever, in any case. Being a fairly shy kind of guy and having some insight into the futility of "dating" in middle and high school, I stayed away from that side of relationships. I was friends with lots of girls, but I was aloof...so they didn't really do the whole flirting thing with me (either that, or I was just completely oblivious to it).

Anyhoo, along comes my senior year in high school and I start up a courtship with my bestest friend. Courtship is kind of different from dating - much more structured, with plenty of accountability involved as well. I had to be the leader of the relationship, her dad had to give permission for just about everything I wanted to do with her. We couldn't be alone together. I couldn't give her rides anywhere, if it was just us. There wasn't even any smooching. :gasp:

I was fine with it. If it meant I could be with her, I'd do whatever I needed to. I even agreed with some of the rules and restrictions of the courtship. At first it was great. Highschool was easy, it was awesome having a girlfriend, and I was just a happy camper. Then I went to college! Long distance relationship, ahoy. We made it through one year, albiet with some communication problems involving me not having a cell phone, mixed with my shyness talking about my various roommates about personal stuff with her. Father decided we needed to take a break over the summer while she was off on a mission trip. No communication over the summer. When I went back to school, there still was barely any communication. 1 hour of phone call time per week. Oh, I forgot. We also only had 1 hour per week before that as well, while in high school.

We could write letters. That was good, but they were always a few days apart, and sometimes you just want to talk about the momentary stuff, right? Anyway, so second year of college comes, and I develop chronic, manic depression at the end of the first semester. I manage to pass all my classes, despite missing an entire month of classes right before finals. Second semester comes, and I have to drop out of college because I can't make myself get to class. I come home and start working.

I used to just share everything with her, but it stressed her out. Then I just tried to censor what was going on with my personal struggles at school, at the advice of her father. I shouldn't overload her with all my problems, should I? Just big stuff, then. Well, she didn't know how depressed I was at school. She just thought I was being... inattentive. Weird. A different person.

I am still very depressed while at home. Having a job is encouraging, but my relationship is stressing me out. I am doing major backpedaling and fire fighting, while dealing with my depression.

Then she dumps me. Thats kind of a harsh way of putting it. She initiated the termination of our courtship. I agreed with her. What else could I do?

Summer. Tried to do some classes, failed because of depression. Worked some more, found a job that I'm still at, that I love. Denture making. Who would've guessed I was good at it? Not me. Still, I really like it. Its very satisfying to make something tangible that immediately increases someone's quality of life and self esteem.

So now its getting close to a year. I'm still friends with her. I love her family. They're my adopted second family. I kind of resent her father for being so restrictive on seemingly arbitrary things.

I still love her...and that sucks. I'm stuck in a quantum state like Schrodinger's cat. Right now, I'm half alive and half dead at the same time. If I force something to happen, then I will immediately shift into one state or another. If I sit here and do nothing, I get to enjoy a state of limbo.

What the heck do you do about something like this? Even after a year of nearly ignoring her for her sake, she's still one of the most wonderful, beautiful, surprising, etc etc. people in my life. She almost broke my heart, which is a pity, because it didn't resolve anything.

/rant

Time to pull the man-card.

You're a fucking adult. She's a fucking adult. Tell her father to unclench his ass-cheeks and go pound sand. By admitting that her father has control over YOUR ACTIONS with ANOTHER ADULT, you are admitting that you DO NOT DESERVE HER.

There are two paths of response. One leads to increasing your manic depression because the root cause is anxiety. The anxiety of fear of the unknown. The anxiety of not wanting to ruin a potential chance with her. This anxiety stems from the fact that you have no yet admitted to yourself that YOU DO NOT HAVE HER. You've already lost and by holding on to her and thinking you can have her, you're hiding from reality.

The other path leads to grabbing on to your manic depression, really grabbing on to it like the horns of a bull, and riding it to success. Open up a clear line of communnication on your own terms and show her that you're a man. Because, quite clearly, you are. (Look down. Verify. Please advise.)

Every relationship, even the gay ones, have a man and a woman. Be. A. Man. She won't respect you until you do. (I don't care what she says otherwise.)

Lovingly,

HolyJaw.

This made me lol.

She's 22. About to start her masters program. Her family is very conservative and religious, tight knit group.

Its not like she really wanted her dad to control all this stuff either. Without actually going all the way to say it out loud, I think she sort of resented the uber control thing too. I think she just didn't know what to do in the relationship and gave up control to her dad.

I really don't mind having an adult mentor while in a relationship. I mean, this is his daughter, and I may as well be some punk kid. I'm not family. So she comes first. Totally understandable.



Giller, I agree with you. I know thats what I gotta do, but its one of those things that I just dread doing. If I make a stand, then I either gain everything or lose everything. If I just hang out, then I can just...chill. Eh. I know something is gonna be happening eventually. I mean, I posted this. Its not like I can just ignore the situation forever. Also, I don't understand what you mean by "a guy that didn't have it as hard as you did."

In my situation, fortune really would favor the bold. Being the person to initiate stuff is a major brownie point generator.

I'd be sad if she completely rejected me, but probably not more depressed overall. The state of limbo I'm in is more depressing than a resolved situation. If you've been friends with someone for so much of your life, a lot of your identity is tied up in that person. The way I speak, the way I think, the way I write, anything that is a manifestation of my personality has been influenced in some way by her. Its not something thats easy to just let go. Its like part of my soul would die.



I'm really not sure if she'd ever do a 180 on her parents. At least, from my perspective anyway. Kind of a sad situation - she's an amazing public speaker/teacher. I mean, seriously. She's just really great at it. Being in a pastoral position would really make sense - she's got the know-how, and shes got the skills. She'd never become a pastor though, because it would cause a meltdown with her parents.

As far as focusing on myself, that kind of seems counter to what I need to do. Being depressed makes me curl up in myself and exclude others. I need to reach out and connect with people. I entertain the notion that I'm not so naive that I think "Oh, if I just do this or get this one thing then I'll be happy!" Happiness doesn't work like that.

Long distance relationship, she doesn't want to hear about your problems, you move back to town and then she dumps you - is that an accurate summary?
Did she say why she "terminated your courtship"?
It sounds like you still spend a lot of time around her, does she treat you differently?
Has her dad said anything about the situation?

In my experience, girls like this do eventually rebel against their authoritarian father. Normally it's just getting wasted and blowing any guy their father would hate, but maybe in this case dumping you is a kind of rebellion. To me her dads controlling behavior sounds abusive, perhaps she sees you as the perpetuation of the patriarchal oppression she has been forced to live with her entire life.

That dopamine reuptake thing is basically any upper drug minus the negative side effects of it being, a, well, drug.

Two thumbs up.

Drugs. lol.

Somehow I neglected to mention that 1: I'm on medication thats helping a lot, and 2: (which no one seemed to deem noteworthy until Mrs. Giller) I'm seeing a therapist who I really like and who is helping a lot.

Interesting developments - I sent out some probes to test the waters, and there seems to be some sort of reaction. Its exciting.