“Wow! Halo 2 is so cool! Holy shit did you see that headshot?! Haha I totally “powned” your ass!” ~ Every blabbering dumbass who plays video games today
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! First of all anyone who excessively uses the word “owned” to express their online videogame feat is douche bag. Secondly, anyone who adds the unnecessary “P” to the word “owned” (which = “powned”) and uses it excessively is a huge douche bag. Same rules of douche baggery apply to “noobe,” “n00b,” and “nub.”
How about for a moment we set aside our over priced 3D graphics console, and take a look back to when men were men and video games were video games. Of course I’m referring to Commander Keen.
Commander Keen, Episode 1: Marooned on Mars
In the not so distant past there lived an 8 year old genius named Billy Blaze. This mad nigga was a straight up pimp! With an IQ of 314 he builds a starship out of basically little pieces of dog shit and soup cans! Anyways, one day when this SOB 8 year old was exploring mars, Vorticons steal parts to his ship, hiding them all across the planet. Long story short, with nothing but a laser pistol and a pogo stick, Keen rapes their asses up and down all 4 hemispheres of Mars! Once he’s done he gets his gear back. And just for fronting, Keen spends episodes 2-3 destroying the Vorticon mother ship and shitting all over their home planet, raping their women and butchering their men. And he did it all in time to grab milk and cookies and catch the Disney Afternoon line-up.
(most 8 year olds are worthless and get scared if they are stranded in a grocery store, not this crazy fuck)
(Killing green shit on mars while collecting lollipops)
(Raping vorticons on their home planet in episode 3)
(Disney Afternoon, before children's cartoons were ruined by Japanese animation)
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Game Play: A+
Graphics: A
Story: A
Controls: A
Sex Appeal: A+
Sheer Intensity: A+++
Character Skin Masturbation Value: C-
OVERALL SCORE: 8=====D------ A+++++
Release date: 1990
Publisher: Apogee
Developed by: ID Software
Price: FREE! (SHAREWARE)