Homer: Just once I'd like someone to call me 'Sir' without adding 'You're making a scene.'

Homer: What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.

Homer: I have feelings too - like my stomach hurts or I'm going crazy!

Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.

Homer: And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Bart to Milhouse: How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid?

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Homer: Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

Homer: I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!


Simpson family tree


Moe: I'll use your head as a bucket and paint my house with your brains.

Lisa: We only get nine, ten years tops when we can giggle in church, and chew with our mouths open, and go days without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again!

Bart: What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?

Homer: Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.

Homer: Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that so called volunteers don't even get paid?!

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country!'You are gay.' 

Bart: There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Bart: Dad, thanks to TV, I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911.

Homer: Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Marge: Lisa, hello. How are you doing in England? Remember, elevator is called a 'lift,' a mile is called a 'kilometer,' and botulism is called 'steak and kidney pie.'

Homer: You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really on to something!

Homer: If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers

Homer: Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow! Oww!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.

Homer: Money comes and money goes. What I have is my daughter which will be for eight more years.

Homer: Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt.

Homer: Hey, can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once!
 
Homer: Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Bart: I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!

Homer: Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Homer: You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Bart: Hi, I'm looking for Amanda. Amanda Hug N Kiss.

Lisa: If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.

Bart's Prank Calls:

7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
Wait a minute...
Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Marge picks up the extension and hears:
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

7G03 (Homer's Odyssey)

Bart with Lisa
Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute...
Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7G06 (Moaning Lisa)

Bart with Lisa
Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
Bart laughs

7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)

Bart with Lisa
Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7F15 (Principal Charming)

Bart (in Principal Skinner's office)
Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer says "Don't look at me!"
Oh, no...
You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"

7F22 (Blood Feud)

Bart
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
Bart and Lisa laugh

8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II)

Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins
Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
Oh, wait a minute...
Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well

8F08 (Flaming Moe's)

Bart
Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call

8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)

Bart
Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney says "You sure do!"
Oh...it's you, isn't it?
Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
Bart laughs

9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

Bart
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room

9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

Laura Powers with Bart
Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
Laura and Bart laugh

2F19 (The PTA Disbands)

This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike
OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
More laughs
All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers

3F14 (Homer the Smithers)

Mr. Burns says "I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland"
Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

3F17 (Bart on the Road)

(Homer) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
(Moe) Eura Snotball?
(Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

CABF20 (Homer the Moe)

Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's
(Bart) Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
(Homer) (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
(Bart) Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
(Homer) I don't get it
(Bart) Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
(Homer) What's the gag?
(Bart) Oh, forget it...

DABF21 (Helter Shelter)

Bart, sending a telegraph message to Moe's
Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
Oh, do, that little, ooh...
I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!
Bart laughs

FABF13 (The Way We Weren't)

10-year-old Marge calling Homer's camp; Moe answers the phone
(Marge) I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar
(Moe) Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? Ooh...and that's the origin of that.

JABF14 (24 Minutes)

Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the line sounds like it is crossed
(Jack Bauer) Chloe, I need those schematics now!
(Bart) Who is this?
(Jack) I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
(Bart) Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie")
(Jack) Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
(Chloe) Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
(Jack) Really?
(Chloe) No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
(Jack) Dammit!
Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone

Cantrip wrote:

When I die, I want to be reincarnated as a woman's jogging bra.