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Rank: Admiral OCD
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Location: Parallel Universe
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Okay, so most of you know that the remodel project on the bathroom is on hold, but that the bathtub backing was removed exposing the bathroom to the dirt under the house, and that we had rats coming in through that opening.
So we called an exterminator after catching like 14 rats. The guy came out, sealed a couple of holes with contractor’s foam, set bait traps outside and set mouse traps in the bathroom. His instructions were pretty clear: do not leave that door open or whatever rats were trapped under the house would get out. We caught like four more, then nothing for three or four weeks.
There was a bad smell coming from under the house. We think it was the remains of whatever was caught in the two missing traps. He left some odor absorbing bags and said the smell would go away once the carcass dried out. And it did.
A few weeks ago someone left the door open despite my signs saying to not open the door in two languages. I closed it and bitched about it.
That week I noticed a couple of fat house flies. I mean the big ones the size of the first digit of your thumb. We have these really big plexiglass windows and a glass sliding door to the back yard. I just figured someone left the screen door open.
So I came home today starving and ready to make myself some dinner. I came upon the glass doors and froze mid-step.
I’m certain you have all seen the ‘60s movie “The Birds” by Alfred Hitchcock, or at least seen the trailer for it. That scene where the guy is walking through all the birds who are just hanging out? None of them really pay attention to him and he walks slowly through the area. It was parodied on the Simpson’s the first season with babies instead of birds in the "Ann Rand" episode.
Well, I froze mid-step because there were like 30 or 40 of these flies EVERYWHERE. (Pictured above). On the windows, on the walls, on the ceiling.
I wanted to piss my pants it was so freaky. There were a few flying around, but most were just hanging out, watching me. It was like the End of Days. All we needed were a few frogs, some locusts and pretty soon we would see some Horsemen of the Apocalypse and we would really be fucked.
So I opened the glass door and started to shoo them out with a broom. That took like 15 minutes and there were even more. I thought there might be a dead body somewhere so I started to look around the house.
MUTHA FUCKA! The bathroom door was wide open!
You see, on Sunday the old roomies came back with a few other people to help us move a heavy piece of furniture. One of the guys was a contractor who is interested in finishing the bathroom, so the roomies showed him the bathroom. I didn’t think anything of it because there were signs which clearly read, in two languages, not to leave the door open. But there it was, wide fucking open.
So all these flies - which must have been feasting on whatever died down there, and it had to be big judging from the combined mass of all of them - came out of the bathroom to check out the pad.
Now, most of you know that Cantrip is a little OCD. That is, I don’t touch door knobs, don’t lift toilet seats except with the tip of my shoe and I eat chicken or ribs with plastic gloves. Well, after viewing where all of these flies had been, I lost my apatite. They had been everywhere, contaminating the kitchen.
Fuck it.
I went to Target and got a three-pack of a fogger that isn’t an aerosol; it’s some kind of chemical crystals in a open bottomed can that you drop into a plastic cup with water in it. The chemical reaction produces smoke which gets into cracks and under things - it goes everywhere because it’s smoke.
You’re supposed to use one cup/can thingy per big room. In my usual overcompensating tendency, I used two simultaneously in the bathroom, which is no bigger than a large closet.
I nuked the fucking bathroom, the area underneath it and I’m sure part of the neighbor’s property as well. Nothing will grow in that dirt for a hundred years.
And because the people who frequent this house seem not to be able to fucking read in English or Spanish, I put up another sign right over the door handle. The sign reads: Do NOT open means: DO NOT Fucking open! And oh yeah, I took a 3” drywall screw and used my drill to screw the door shut.
I called the old roomies and asked if they had left the door open. They wanted to know why and I explained. One of them said, “What kind of macabre house of death are you living in?” Motherfucker, it’s because of your damn mice to feed HISS that we have this problem today!
I found some more flies after I cam back and used the Dustbuster to suck them in, then I plugged the attachment with a paper towel. I didn't want them escaping back into the house. When the sun comes up, they will cook inside the dust trap. In total, there were about 50+ flies in the house.
Anyway, I was dealing with this from like 6 p.m. to 9 p.m., at which point, I went out and got some sushi because I was starving and didn’t want to touch anything in the kitchen. After I had finished my order, I looked down at the rice which had fallen off in little white clumps from my sushi. They reminded me of maggots. -I had to get out of there.
Live by yourself if you can, and never bring a mouse into your house. You should be more like Cantrip.  Twitchy: "I pulled a Cantrip . . ." GivePeaceAChance: "If the Tempest had nipples, I'd pinch that shit." Xylicon: "I'm about to deliver my [Richard] in your face for posting that stupid shit. " WDF?: "He keeps reaming me... night after night... I'm rather sore." GivePeaceAChance: "OMG MY NIPS ARE HARD" llenta: "cantrip, you fail!!!" Filliam H. Muffman: "i'm on top of dick"
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Rank: Pooter Scooter
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i love your stories cantrip In an hour of Darkness a blind man is the best guide. In an age of Insanity look to the madman to lead the way. 
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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Alright so just move out. But before you do, buy a large amount of ants/spiders and unleash them upon your illiterate roommates.  Bike wrote:I like to make werewolf movies. 
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Rank: Coathanger Abortion
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this was an awesome story Cantrip. Next time just buy yourself some flypaper, that shit works so good. Razor wrote:Killing people is good therapy.  
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Rank: Administration
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the reason they kept opening the door is because your spanish is fucked up lol. No abra la puerta is what is shouldve said  Cantrip wrote:When I die, I want to be reincarnated as a woman's jogging bra.
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Rank: Administration
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too bad you didn't work for the police, you could have used an entire roll of police tape DO NOT CROSS POLICE LINE all over the door to make it that much more humorous.... btw what ever happend to General Custard?  ahhhh_crap wrote:no, splinter has ethics and whut has emotions
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Rank: Pooter Scooter
Groups: Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 11/8/2006
Posts: 2,468
Points: 2,103
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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Crazy Horse killed him In an hour of Darkness a blind man is the best guide. In an age of Insanity look to the madman to lead the way.
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Rank: Not Cool Enough for a Rank :(
Groups: {pDs} Member, Server Admin, WDFNews.com Official Mapper
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i'm still confused why you have/had a mouse problem if you have a pet snake. just let the fucker roam your house and he will take care of everything for you.
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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
Groups: {pDs} Member
Joined: 6/7/2006
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Location: In bed
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lulz should've just put a hl2 turret inside the bathroom facing out... stealth wrote:My favorite quote from that entire thing: "..Battles based on battles that actually occurred in Japanese history.. So here's this giant enemy crab.." 
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Rank: Administration
Groups: Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 9/7/2006
Posts: 3,054
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Location: Abbotsford British Columbia, Canada
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llenta wrote:i'm still confused why you have/had a mouse problem if you have a pet snake. just let the fucker roam your house and he will take care of everything for you. maybe cause that would probly cause more problems then it would solve? what if the snake slithers away? then ur fucked ahhhh_crap wrote:no, splinter has ethics and whut has emotions
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