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Rank: Admiral OCD
Groups: {pDs} Member, Moderator, News Editor, Newsie
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 3,491
Points: 1,346
Location: Parallel Universe
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So, Cantrip hopped on an Amtrak train on Saturday bound for a Wedding in San Diego.
He took Business Class because at Irvine and points south, Coach fills up with drunks
in the evenings heading for Tijuana.
They give you a drink when they take your ticket. Cantrip chose wine:
They also give you a bag of goodies. Looks like a care package for WDF?, doesn't it?:
There was a baby on board. Cantrip made friends. He waved to the baby and the
baby drooled back, spit up milk formula and looked painfully at Cantrip:
Cantrip went down to cafe car. They had beer in the right side case there:
Scott, the nice cafe person suggested an alternative to beer. Cantrip had a Bloody
Mary instead. Well, actually, the first one was so tasty, he went back for another
one a half an hour later. . .
He then had to go to the bathroom:
But because Cantrip is a little OCD he used a paper cup to open the door.
Cantrip does not like public bathrooms:
On his way back from the bathroom he found the emergency brake between cars.
It's a federal crime to pull an emergency break. Cantrip was not drunk enough to do it:
Cantrip decided he needed some coffee to sober up and stop thinking about
emergency brakes. Coffee and newspapers are also complementary in Business Class.
Again, because of his OCD, Cantrip used a napkin to keep from touching the coffee machine:
The next day Cantrip wore a suit and went to a state park overlooking the ocean
and waited for an hour, in a hot suit, in the hot sun, with no water, dehydrated and
hung over. Cantrip was not happy but the view was pretty:
At the reception the high winds knocked over all the umbrellas. Then a fire started
toward the east and all the smoke was blown toward the reception. The guests were
choking, coughing and experiencing burning eyes. Cantrip does not like smoke.
Cantrip thinks smoke carries germs because everything may not burn, gets carried
away and he has to breathe that. Cantrip needs professional help. The smoke
even blocked out the sun. Eventually, they had to move the party downstairs
because of all the smoke from the brushfires:
They had a jazz band there with a really pretty base player named Kristin with a
body that was one ball of well-defined muscle. Cantrip thought she was the hawtness
queen, but being debonair himself, he acted casually toward her, not to get her hopes up:
Cantrip shook her hand and she nearly crushed it. Cantrip didn't cry; he just played
it off, then went to the bathroom to cry. She was very nice and down to earth. She
gave Cantrip her website info and told Cantrip she had about ten videos on Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPVElw2RNNQ
http://www.kristinkorb.com/
She showed Cantrip how to play the instrument after the performance. She showed
him how the weight rests on her hips.
"And that massive vibration, I feel that every day against my body."
Cantrip wants to be reincarnated as that woman's base.
During the conversation Cantrip looked down and noticed she had taken off her high heels.
Cantrip discovered right then that he has a foot fetish. Even though he says he'll never
marry or have kids, Cantrip wants to have babies with this woman - skip the courtship
and the sex and just have babies. Lots of them:
Cantrip had had 5 bloody Marys when he struck up a conversation with Kristin.
She is very nice and Cantrip actually learned a thing or two from the band, especially
from Kristin. Cantrip thought she probably had a husband or a big boyfriend because
she was so damn cute. Cantrip had so much respect for her he didn't even beat off to
the photo above. Cantrip slept it off instead - Still wants babies with her though.
The next day Cantrip stopped at nationwide chain food store, Whole Foods.
It's a yuppie version of an organic food store. Cantrip had post-wedding munchies.
Cantrip saw desserts:
He saw deli stuff:
He saw ready-to-drink-coconuts. What a lovely bunch of coconuts:
He saw beer, remembered the evening before and swore never-to-drink-again, -again:
He then saw the most colorful seafood display and tried to take a picture.
"Hey, I can't let you do that," said the mean manager.
"That's a pretty colorful display," said Cantrip.
"What, are you from another store?"
"No, as I said, I just thought it was colorful and someone put a lot of time into it."
"Yeah, too much time. Still can't let you take a picture."
As he walked away, mean manager called on a telephone. Cantrip, in addition
to being a little OCD also has a keen sense of paranoia. He could feel the
security cameras all focusing on him. Cantrip hates Big Brother.
That manager probably beats off to snuff films of puppies.
And he didn't even say please. He was a mean manager.
[NO IMAGE BECAUSE OF MEAN MANAGER] :(
So on the way out, Cantrip bought some breakfast from the deli and a cup of
coffee and went to the eating area located just inside the store entrance, beyond
the cash registers and sat down in front of a security camera and took
his sweet time eating while looking directly into the camera.
Then a bum, whom Cantrip had ignored upon entering the store because they have germs,
came up to Cantrip and asked Cantrip for a couple of bucks. Knowing that the mean
manager probably did not like the bum, Cantrip offered to give the bum, whose name
was Erle, $2 if he would let Cantrip take a picture of him. Then Cantrip talked to the
bum, whose name was Erle, for ten minutes as every employee came over to the area and
did "busy work" to check out the bum.
-They probably came over because the puppy-snuff-film-beating-off-mean-old-manager
told them to check out the bum.
Cantrip learned something that day. People with money, like the manager can be really mean
when all you're trying to do is be nice to the world. Also, people with no money, like bum Erle, who wouldn't know how to be mean, can be really nice. Kristin was very nice too. Very nice.
Also, classically trained women with firm handshakes who run around barefooted really do it for Cantrip.
And oh yeah, for $2 you can get a bum to do just about anything. Is that a can of "Joose" in his shirt pocket?:
Cantrip learned this morning that the hotel where the reception was held is in the
line of fire of the fire and may burn down. Cantrip loves puns, and hates fire. Cantrip
hopes the bum Erle is okay. Cantrip would be very bummed if the bum burned. Cantrip
loves puns and has repetitive OCD, repetitive OCD.
THE END.
.You should be more like Cantrip.  Twitchy: "I pulled a Cantrip . . ." GivePeaceAChance: "If the Tempest had nipples, I'd pinch that shit." Xylicon: "I'm about to deliver my [Richard] in your face for posting that stupid shit. " WDF?: "He keeps reaming me... night after night... I'm rather sore." GivePeaceAChance: "OMG MY NIPS ARE HARD" llenta: "cantrip, you fail!!!" Filliam H. Muffman: "i'm on top of dick"
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Rank: Coathanger Abortion
Groups: {pDs} Member, Server Admin
Joined: 5/17/2006
Posts: 3,487
Points: 1,990
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that was a very nice story. you should email that bass player and see whats up, it sounds like she was in to you. Razor wrote:Killing people is good therapy.  
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Rank: Pooter Scooter
Groups: Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 11/8/2006
Posts: 2,468
Points: 2,103
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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you should of totally hit that, gr8st storee evar In an hour of Darkness a blind man is the best guide. In an age of Insanity look to the madman to lead the way. 
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Rank: Coathanger Abortion
Groups: {pDs} Member, Server Admin
Joined: 5/17/2006
Posts: 3,487
Points: 1,990
Location: Undisclosed Location
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san diego is really cooking.at least 1000 homes across socal have been destroyed so far and its supposed to get worse today. my favorite stories are from malibu where richie rich people refused to evacuate and then the firemen had to be pulled from actually fighting the fire to go forcibly remove them from their homes, selfish pricks. if anyone can find good maps of other sections of socal's firestorm post 'em! Razor wrote:Killing people is good therapy.
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
Groups: {pDs} Member
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 1,724
Points: 6
Location: RVA
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Cantrip's stories make the world go round. Bike wrote:I like to make werewolf movies. 
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Rank: Taco Technician
Groups: Registered User, {pDs} Member
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Posts: 3,948
Points: 3,636
Location: Hi-Five City
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Damn that post made me extremely hungry
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Rank: Administration
Groups: Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 9/7/2006
Posts: 3,054
Points: 1,377
Location: Abbotsford British Columbia, Canada
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Avner wrote:Damn that post made me extremely hungry Ditto, lots of talk about food.... and I just had supper like not even 3 hours ago.  ahhhh_crap wrote:no, splinter has ethics and whut has emotions
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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
Groups: {pDs} Member, Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 5/18/2006
Posts: 280
Points: 24
Location: Los
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Dude call the girl and hook up with her. Sounds like she was in to you man.
I love your story dude. More please.
BTW did you use a napkin to shake the girls hand? {pDs}BelligerentPimp wrote:
No using the word "fucktard" unless you are refering to TonyRWC or Youngripark.j2. WDF? wrote:go fuck yourself hanukkah style.
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Rank: Medium-Well
Groups: Registered User
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 2,411
Points: -2
Location: the bottom of the bottle...
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Make Sure It's Charcoal Grilled thinks Cantrip is a bit of a looper. Make Sure It's Charcoal Grilled would never ever drink a bloody Mary instead of beer. Make Sure It's Charcoal Grilled loves beer, although Make Sure It's Charcoal Grilled feels sorry for the Americans because many will have never tasted what a real beer tastes like. yeah, i'm a cranky 'oul fucker. deal with it.
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
Groups: {pDs} Member
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 1,724
Points: 6
Location: RVA
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MakeSureItsCharcoalGrilled wrote:Make Sure It's Charcoal Grilled thinks Cantrip is a bit of a looper. Make Sure It's Charcoal Grilled would never ever drink a bloody Mary instead of beer. Make Sure It's Charcoal Grilled loves beer, although Make Sure It's Charcoal Grilled feels sorry for the Americans because many will have never tasted what a real beer tastes like. Stealth knows that most beer from corporate American breweries is piss in a bottle. Czech beer is infinitely better than most American beers. Bike wrote:I like to make werewolf movies.
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Rank: Admiral OCD
Groups: {pDs} Member, Moderator, News Editor, Newsie
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 3,491
Points: 1,346
Location: Parallel Universe
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Cantrip is allergic to something in certain alcoholic beverages. He gets an agonizing itch in his jaw muscles when he drinks red wine. Also with Japanese spirits. Shappiro or Sake does it. With some regular spirits too. Captain Morgans is okay until the third drink. The beer is hit and miss, with a higher percentage on the hits side. Vodka, Cantrip discovered recently, doesn't do it at all. So, instead of drinking a beer which could trigger a reaction, he goes with a sure thing in vodka. And before you say Cantrip does not know his beers, he lived in Germany for over a year. No beer in Germany ever triggered the reaction. They have beer purity laws there because they take their drinking seriously. And why do the Germans have these laws you wonder? Well, Cantrip did too. One day, in the middle of winter, Cantrip got up in the dark, went to work in the dark, went to his office down in a basement with small windows - which was dark - and then noticed at noon, when the sun usually came up, that it was still dark because it was stormy. Cantrip had never understood why people needed to go out for a drink after work. That day he understood why and why the Germans insisted on pure beer. And no, Guinness does not trigger the reaction, but Cantrip can't get fresh, warm Guinness poured in the traditional 7-minute pour here in the States. And yes, Cantrip has spent time in countries where it is fresh and warm. Cantrip had a laugh the first time he drank warm beer and liked it. Cantrip can drink 12 ounces of beer in about one second. He then has to wait to see if his jaw muscles itch. You should be more like Cantrip. Twitchy: "I pulled a Cantrip . . ." GivePeaceAChance: "If the Tempest had nipples, I'd pinch that shit." Xylicon: "I'm about to deliver my [Richard] in your face for posting that stupid shit. " WDF?: "He keeps reaming me... night after night... I'm rather sore." GivePeaceAChance: "OMG MY NIPS ARE HARD" llenta: "cantrip, you fail!!!" Filliam H. Muffman: "i'm on top of dick"
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
Groups: {pDs} Member
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 1,724
Points: 6
Location: RVA
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We should have a "Storytime with Cantrip" Section/Thread. Bike wrote:I like to make werewolf movies.
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Rank: Medium-Well
Groups: Registered User
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 2,411
Points: -2
Location: the bottom of the bottle...
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Cantrip wrote:And no, Guinness does not trigger the reaction, but Cantrip can't get fresh, warm Guinness poured in the traditional 7-minute pour here in the States. And yes, Cantrip has spent time in countries where it is fresh and warm. Cantrip had a laugh the first time he drank warm beer and liked it.
wait wait wait.... Guinness warm? Guinness traditionally warm? maybe in Africa but then what's brewed there is not traditional Guinness either... and 7 minutes??? it takes exactly 119.53 seconds to pour the perfect pint. you yanks are daft. on a sidenote, Guinness has recently been found to help with cholesterol breakdown. everyone should drink more Guinness. yeah, i'm a cranky 'oul fucker. deal with it.
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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
Groups: {pDs} Member
Joined: 6/7/2006
Posts: 457
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Location: In bed
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stealth wrote:We should have a "Storytime with Cantrip" Section/Thread. personally I think he should have his own show on public access. or maybe pbs because it's national. stealth wrote:My favorite quote from that entire thing: "..Battles based on battles that actually occurred in Japanese history.. So here's this giant enemy crab.." 
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Rank: Administration
Groups: {pDs} Member, Moderator, Server Admin
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Posts: 696
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Location: Ohio
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Apollo wrote:stealth wrote:We should have a "Storytime with Cantrip" Section/Thread. personally I think he should have his own show on public access. or maybe pbs because it's national.
"Mr. Cantrips Neighborhood"
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