Here's one my friend just told me:

A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking.
 
 He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
 
 "Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
 
 "Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window.

 "That's incredible! I don't believe it!" she says.
 
 "Hey barkeep, throw me another one o' them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again.
 
"Here, you try it" he says to the blonde.

She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground - breaking both her legs - and begins screaming in pain.



The bartender says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."





Moar:

So a guy's wife dies, and a couple of weeks later his best friend comes over to check up on him, and asks him how he's doing.
 
 'Not bad' says the widower, 'except I'm really horny'

'No problem' replies his pal, 'I know a great hooker. She'll give you the best head you've ever had, and sings 'Amazing Grace' perfectly whilst doing it!' He gives the guy the address and a couple of days later the guy gets the ol' dick tingle and decides to try her out. When he arrives at the house he's called into a darkened room at the back, where he recieves the best head of his life, accompanied by a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace. He can't believe it.

Two weeks later the widower gets the urge again, and goes back. However, when he enters the house he hears a man moaning in the back room, and 'Amazing Grace' being sung perfectly, so he turns round to leave.



And sees a glass eye on the table.





And another quick one:

Doctor: It's bad news, you have Cancer and Alzheimer's.
 
Patient: Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have Cancer





Post jokes.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk

 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

how do you fuck an ugly?

cum in your hand and throw it at her