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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
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Just some stuff a friend from over seas sent me today.
Twenty-Three Pieces of Cat Wisdom
1. "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer." -- Bruce Graham
2. "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Unknown
3. "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." -- Anonymous
4. "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." -- Jeff Valdez
5. "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
6. "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
7. "One cat just leads to another." -- Ernest Hemingway
8. "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later" -- Mary Bly
9. "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered
from insomnia." -- Joseph Wood Krutch
10. "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
11. "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." -- Anonymous
12. "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." -- Hippolyte Taine
13. "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Scottish Proverb
14. "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." -- Albert Schweitzer
15. "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." Ernest Menaul
16. "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." Arabic Proverb
17. "Time spent with cats is never wasted." -- Colette
18. "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strangecats. -- Colonial American proverb
20. "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -- Joseph Wood Krutch
21. "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." -- Unknown
22. "My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous
23. "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." -- American Proverb
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged
his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed
taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be
with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
How to give Cat/Dog a pill...
CATS:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot,
drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOGS:
1. Wrap above in bacon.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the food.
More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with
them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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I hate cats.
Love pussy, hate cats.
Go figure.
If you support John McCain and/or George W. Bush, please click here.“I would like to say to Milton and Anna: Regarding the Great Depression. You're right, we did it. We're very sorry. But thanks to you, we won't do it again.” - Ben Bernanke
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Rank: Taco Technician
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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Location: Portland
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Guessing garbage can food after Whut sees it.  If you support John McCain and/or George W. Bush, please click here.“I would like to say to Milton and Anna: Regarding the Great Depression. You're right, we did it. We're very sorry. But thanks to you, we won't do it again.” - Ben Bernanke
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Rank: Fuckstick
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Being a cat owner, I think whut will actually enjoy it. B!!! "meow!"  Formally known as MrT The film "Brokeback Mountain" was originally pitched as an off-beat romance starring MrT and WhutDuFuk. The sole reason the two legends declined the starring roles is because if MrT and WhutDuFuk were to kiss, there would be new meaning to the word homosexual...it would mean "obligation".
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Rank: The Illuminist
Groups: Administration
Joined: 5/8/2006
Posts: 8,410
Points: 2,875
Location: Seattle
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Rank: Fuckstick
Groups: Registered User
Joined: 10/22/2006
Posts: 908
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Location: GTFO stalker!!!!!!!
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Lone Wolf wrote:
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Thats on my mom's welcome mat  TripleBam wrote:I was about to correct something but....no...it's all there.
Cantrip wrote:Holy fuck. J-Town is a genius! Brosnan wrote:Whole lotta words that add up to "hey everyone I'm a giant faggot" TripleBam wrote:I just remember chewing it for 5 minutes before giving up. I tried to fit the whole slab into my mouth and some of it started sliding down to where I started to gag on it. I ended up pulling the whole 7" piece by the very tail end from my esophagus before stuffing it under my seat cushion.
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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
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Location: Earth.....for the moment!!!
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WDF? wrote:I'll allow it. Kinda figured you would.
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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Lone Wolf wrote:WDF? wrote:I'll allow it. Kinda figured you would. D'oh! HAHA! If you support John McCain and/or George W. Bush, please click here.“I would like to say to Milton and Anna: Regarding the Great Depression. You're right, we did it. We're very sorry. But thanks to you, we won't do it again.” - Ben Bernanke
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Rank: Taco Technician
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God damnit lone wolf, did your grandmother email you this or something? Jesus.
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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
Groups: {pDs} Member, Server Admin
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 272
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Location: Earth.....for the moment!!!
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Lone Wolf wrote:Just some stuff a friend from over seas sent me today.
Can you read!!!!
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
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Lone Wolf wrote:Lone Wolf wrote:Just some stuff a friend from over seas sent me today.
Can you read!!!! Can you read!?!?!?!?*** But yea, I found it pretty funny. Is your friend stationed over seas or does he live there?
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Rank: Taco Technician
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Does your friend ever complain about how the internet is broken even though she downloaded it on a floppy disque? Does she ever send you heartwarming stories like walking on the beach and there's an extra set of footprints?
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
Groups: {pDs} Member, Registered User
Joined: 11/6/2007
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Location: Portland
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 If you support John McCain and/or George W. Bush, please click here.“I would like to say to Milton and Anna: Regarding the Great Depression. You're right, we did it. We're very sorry. But thanks to you, we won't do it again.” - Ben Bernanke
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