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Rank: Admiral OCD
Groups: {pDs} Member, Moderator, News Editor, Newsie
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 3,491
Points: 1,346
Location: Parallel Universe
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So I'm out on my walk today because I'm a fat-fuck gamer. I bumped into one of my friends who was also on a walk to her parents' house for Saturday morning coffee with her mom. It was not too far out of my way so I accepted her invitation for free coffee and toast, 'cause I'm a fat-fuck and a drug addict.
So her mom was glad to see that her single daughter had brought a young man along, though I'm certain she would have preferred a more fit one. I was probably better than the artsy losers she dates.
I hated to disappoint the old bag so I didn't dispel her tacit inquiry about our "friendship" because she had some killer scones and fresh bakery bread toast going.
She hadn't expected me to show up so she told us to look in the cupboard for some additional homemade preservers or jam in the back. The cupboard was at my eye level and she is kind of a short woman, so I don't know how she could reach that far up.
Now, I really didn't care what kind of sugared fruit concoction I had with my butter and toast, but I didn't want to use up her homemade goods. So I reached in to the back and pulled out a 12 ounce jar of Smucker's Natural Currant Jelly. I haven't a clue as to what a Currant is, but it's jelly, I'm a fat-fuck and I really don't care. I also felt a little guilty about getting the old woman's hopes up - no grandkids yet from any of her 3 grown children you see.
So I hand it to my friend who says, "Currant jelly mom?"
"That's fine too."
"Uh, mom, when was the last time you remember buying Currant jelly?"
"Can't recall dear, but you can open that if you want to. There's homemade preserves on the first shelf."
"Yeah, mom, see, this jar expired a long time ago."
"Oh, it keeps a lot longer than the expiration date."
"This expired in October . . . "
"It's fine."
". . . of 1990."
"Oh. Well, it should still be good. Just the same, grab one of the homemade jars and your father and I will have that Currant jelly later this week. Or maybe I'll throw it out if it smells funny."
My friend just shook her head they way a child does whenever she sees her parents say or do something embarrassing in front of her friends.
See, I don't know about you, but if something says it's expired, I won't eat it, even if it's just one day beyond the expiration date. Call it the OCD in me, but I figure they put an expiration date on food for a reason, like to keep it from making you sick or dead. Germs . . . Cantrip hates them.
So we had homemade strawberry preserves. I pigged out and was not shy about it, complementing the old bag with every bite of her homemade scones and homemade preserves.
And no, I didn't get a blow job from the daughter and I never expect I ever will, at least not when she's sober.
That jar of Currant jelly had been expired for almost 18 years and probably had been in that cupboard a lot longer than that since the mother was so short and couldn't see that far back into the cupboard. That jar was there probably longer than some of you have been alive.
So here's the task I give all of you. Go into your kitchen and dig through until you find an old-looking food can, box or jar, and report back the oldest expiration date you find. Include whether it's a can, jar or box and what kind of food it is.
I found a can of Heinz tomato paste with an expiration date of 2005. I promptly deposited that can in the trash bin. Don't know how I overlooked that.
Okay, go.You should be more like Cantrip.  Twitchy: "I pulled a Cantrip . . ." GivePeaceAChance: "If the Tempest had nipples, I'd pinch that shit." Xylicon: "I'm about to deliver my [Richard] in your face for posting that stupid shit. " WDF?: "He keeps reaming me... night after night... I'm rather sore." GivePeaceAChance: "OMG MY NIPS ARE HARD" llenta: "cantrip, you fail!!!" Filliam H. Muffman: "i'm on top of dick"
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
Groups: {pDs} Member
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 1,724
Points: 6
Location: RVA
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 I found a little bottle of half and half that says "Use by Jun 11 01." I dare not smell it. Bike wrote:I like to make werewolf movies. 
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Rank: Fuckstick
Groups: Registered User
Joined: 10/22/2006
Posts: 908
Points: 21
Location: GTFO stalker!!!!!!!
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On a camping trip years ago we purchased some marsh mellows (because kids like playing with fire and eating sugar) from a little store in some small town in some random state in the general northwestern area of the United States. We didn't notice until we were about to use them, but they had expired about five years before.
Another incident of purchasing expired goods was in Gold Beach Oregon about 3 years ago. I was at a football camp with my High School team. One guy bought some Smuckers jelly from the store a block away from the school where hundreds of kids were living for a couple weeks. After he had his first sandwich he checked the expiration date and it was something like May 1998.
We went back to the store to complain and get replacement jelly and maybe even his money back. After checking the shelves with one of the clerks, we could not find one jar of jelly of any brand that was not expired or about to expire. Naturally we started a search for other expired products (we had some time to waste) and found several more items out of date, but nothing near the scale of the jelly.
In cupboard item: Can of corn from June of 02. TripleBam wrote:I was about to correct something but....no...it's all there.
Cantrip wrote:Holy fuck. J-Town is a genius! Brosnan wrote:Whole lotta words that add up to "hey everyone I'm a giant faggot" TripleBam wrote:I just remember chewing it for 5 minutes before giving up. I tried to fit the whole slab into my mouth and some of it started sliding down to where I started to gag on it. I ended up pulling the whole 7" piece by the very tail end from my esophagus before stuffing it under my seat cushion.
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Rank: The Illuminist
Groups: Administration
Joined: 5/8/2006
Posts: 8,410
Points: 2,875
Location: Seattle
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My grandma had me over one time a long time ago for a visit. She had bought some bbq beef strips and buns for bbq burger things and had bought some frozen fries to broil up for us on the side. I asked her if she had any ketchup and she did. She went to the cupboard and grabbed a plastic squeeze bottle of Heinz out. I proceeded to squeeze the ketchup onto my plate... only to discover that it was brown... not red. It had expired 10 years earlier. I make sure to bring up that story every time I see her. She "loves" it. I found some milk that expired two weeks ago and some chicken that went back about three weeks ago in my fridge. I'm with cantrip. I refuse to eat anything past the expiration date. My mom tried to serve me milk one time that was a few days over the date... explaining that it was still good a few days after... I told her to stuff it.
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Rank: Fuckstick
Groups: Registered User
Joined: 10/22/2006
Posts: 908
Points: 21
Location: GTFO stalker!!!!!!!
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I forgot the time a few years ago, my dad was going through my grandmothers cupboards and found a can or jar of something that had expired in the 60s. She had moved several times and each time she brought the giant can of nuclear waste. TripleBam wrote:I was about to correct something but....no...it's all there.
Cantrip wrote:Holy fuck. J-Town is a genius! Brosnan wrote:Whole lotta words that add up to "hey everyone I'm a giant faggot" TripleBam wrote:I just remember chewing it for 5 minutes before giving up. I tried to fit the whole slab into my mouth and some of it started sliding down to where I started to gag on it. I ended up pulling the whole 7" piece by the very tail end from my esophagus before stuffing it under my seat cushion.
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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
Groups: Registered User
Joined: 12/19/2007
Posts: 167
Points: 0
Location: Fullerton
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you should write a fucking book man.
campbells tomato soup. 01
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Rank: Polio Power!
Groups: Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 11/18/2007
Posts: 631
Points: 18
Location: $4n74 cruz, c4
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u get the writer of the year award cantrip MakeSureItsCharcoalGrilled wrote:
yes. please go fuck yoruself and die.
MakeSureItsCharcoalGrilled wrote:
it's ok. all computer components have clearly dotted lines along which you can cut* to make smaller.
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Rank: Polio Power!
Groups: {pDs} Member, Registered User
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 629
Points: 81
Location: SW Ohio
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The oldest thing I had was a container of Clabber Girl baking powder that expired in 1994
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Rank: Fuckstick
Groups: {pDs} Member, Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 5/10/2006
Posts: 1,287
Points: 348
Location: United Kingdom
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Eating or Drinking Milk or Bread is fine even if it is a few day Out of Date. Stuff like Crips, Sweets or Chocolate for example are fine even after a few weeks.
So Quit Your Jibber Jabber Fool! Your Pathetic!   Quote:Posting related image due to my inability to formulate an intelligent response. BlooDz wrote:i cant type good im stupid
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Rank: You're gonna stick that where?
Groups: Registered User
Joined: 1/13/2008
Posts: 248
Points: 234
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My mother tried to get me to take some Pepto bismol for a stomach ache. I grabbed it out of the medicine cabinet and looked at it. It was pretty much in powered form, glancing at the expiration date I was quite alarmed that it expired in 1983. I told my mom there is no way in hell I was going to ingest something that went bad the year I was born!
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Rank: Administration
Groups: Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 9/7/2006
Posts: 3,054
Points: 1,377
Location: Abbotsford British Columbia, Canada
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Unlike you people all my food still doesn't have an expire date that is over its limit. The first thing thats to expire is the milk which still a ways away on April 9.  ahhhh_crap wrote:no, splinter has ethics and whut has emotions
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Rank: Pooter Scooter
Groups: Registered User, Server Admin
Joined: 11/8/2006
Posts: 2,468
Points: 2,103
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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once ate a bag of month old potatoe chips In an hour of Darkness a blind man is the best guide. In an age of Insanity look to the madman to lead the way. 
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Rank: Fecal Impaction For the Win!
Groups: {pDs} Member
Joined: 6/8/2006
Posts: 1,525
Points: 9
Location: US
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lol, we were on the road once, somewhere in the Pocono's and we stopped at a gas station. I got a block of sharp chedder cheese.. It was awful, and happened to expire 2 years before..
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Rank: Taco Technician
Groups: Registered User, {pDs} Member
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 3,948
Points: 3,636
Location: Hi-Five City
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Hummus will last you a good few weeks past that date.
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Rank: Medium-Well
Groups: Registered User
Joined: 5/9/2006
Posts: 2,411
Points: -2
Location: the bottom of the bottle...
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expiration dates have a ridiculously wide margin of error. they only i one i would pay strict attention to would be on meat and dairy. on everything else i wouldn't care tbh. i've eaten year old choclate and lived to tell the tale. it also depends on whether it's a best before, or use by. use by means there's it's potentially unsafe to eat after the date, note potentially, there's still a cautionary margin on most products. best before typically means when the taste starts to decline, not when the actual thing becomes unsafe for consumption. yeah, i'm a cranky 'oul fucker. deal with it.
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