No, you don't. You need to look/act/sound like you have experience in the service industry. This is much simpler. Do you know the standard drink recipes? Can you hold a conversation? Good with the faces? Bartending go go go.

God knows people plenty dumber than you or I have been able to do it.

Might require a haircut but if that's a obstacle, then the problem runs deeper than unemployment.

What I'm saying is that it requires sociopathic tenacity to land a job in this economy, especially for people with less-than-some experience in a desirable field. Dedicate 3-4 hours a day to a high-intensity job hunt. Applications, resumes, cover letters to every name, organization, company that you can think of that doesn't have strict requirements you can't meet.

Also, sell stuff.